The 4x4 Slicing Machine

It's summer time on the island which leads on to that epic battle between the grass and my weapon of choice. Being June one would expect that the sun would shine and I could stroll along with my little electric mower, producing those smart, neat, thick lines that speak of a well tended cricket pitch-like lawn. Welcome to the Isle of Lewis. It's been raining on and off so an electric mower is out of the question. No worries I have a petrol beast. It's actually been quite warm. Well warm for Lewis. Certainly no ice. And so the grass is sprouting and I reach for the green blade eating machine.

Hold it. Not tonight! They are out! The midges. Tiny, little and very evil flies (or possibly hell-hounds) that get into every orifice and munch your delicious skin until you scratch that very human covering off yourself. No amount of nets protect and clothing cannot truly ever cover all of one's self. Leave it a night.

Okay. five nautical miles per hour wind so the hell hounds have retreated to their bushes. Take out the mower, fuel her up, yank the rip cord. Calmly wait while last year's oil is taken through the system and emerges in a choking grey plume to blow across your face! Cough bravely. Cut the grass.

It's then you notice. Dry on the top, wetter than the ocean beneath. This causes the machine to grind to a halt every five yards as it cannot generate enough suction to remove the wet grass to the collector. Feel your arm muscles improve with each pull of the rip cord. Then swear loudly as the rip cord brakes. Then as the mower does go forward ever so briefly watch the back wheels spin on the wet grass so that it is only your physical effort that keeps the heavy beast going forward.

But the worst is the uneven surface causing the blade to occasionally catch the surface and cut deep into it. The motor invariably fails to protect itself and we have to pull the ever diminishing rip cord again. Why did we think we could make a lawn out of a moor!? Maybe a roller would do it. The size of the unevenness makes me suggest the roller would need to be the sort used on motorway construction!

Still nights are drawing in. Soon be snowing and I'll have my perfectly flat, even and very white lawn. Greens overrated, I love winter!


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My poetry book: "Four Life Emotions"
ebook
Paperback

Hey Mr Postman! Making an eBook a Paperback!

This image has had me on tender hooks for the last week. Everyday, several times a day, this image pops into my mind and in the most strangest of places. Feeding chickens and my mind says "Is it here?" Fending off aircraft from each other in the air traffic control tower and the weather is poor. There's a doubt whether the aircraft will arrive. All that goes through my mind is "If the aircraft with mail doesn't land then my book won't land either!" Even changing the little one's nappy and all I can think is "where's the book?" when normally all I think is let's get this done quick!

This was definitely a new phenomenon to me. For those who don't know I have published an eBook of poetry and am now in the process of self-publishing it as a paperback. Trust me the eBook was easy by comparison. I went with Indie publisher Smashwords and they laid out a whole scheme of how to format the book. I followed that and once it was prepared it was a matter of a day to then actually publish it. Then it jumped onto their site and soon after onto various eBook sellers. No long wait, no grinding nerves. Downloaded it and checked the copy almost instantly.

However the printed word is not so easy. To be fair I went with Createspace and their software and instructions were good and I had the book draft ready fairly quickly. But now they are sending out the proof and it is taking a while. Again to be fair they are in the USA, I am in the UK. They took probably less than 24 hours to get the book printed and underway. But I didn't pay for the fastest delivery as it was extremely more expensive though I did go for the intermediate postal service. If I had any hair left to tear out it would be gone, so praise Him as I am a baldie! The song is right, the waiting is the hardest part.

So now I having waited the great dread is coming upon me! What if there's a mistake? Did I miss a comma, an apostrophe, a full stop!? How come the smallest things cause the greatest anguish? So please any would be writer's out there who long to see their precious manuscript make that leap from computer type to embalmed delight take it from me - while that wonderful cargo is in the post plan a holiday, somewhere far, far away! Possibly Mars would do. Failing that take the second star to the right and straight on til morning. And Mr Postman, if you return to sender...................


Four Life Emotions, the eBook is available here. Look out in the coming months for "I am Thunderstorm" my first kid's book and also "A Lighter Shade of Dark" a collection of short allegorical stories, both appearing in eBook and paperback format, details when available at my Smashwords homepage.

Looking for Myself I found a Zombie!

It was an exciting time to say the least. I had just sent my first e-Book to the publisher and it was then winging its way through the ether to various platforms, to be uploaded for purchase. Eagerly I got onto my favourite search engine and typed in the various sites using my name as a search. Well what a palava! One site has me lobbed in with Laurel and Hardy and other comedy classics. Another has me in with a baseball prospectus. But the absolute best was one that did indeed have my book and another of an apparently "similar" read beside it. The similar read was the sixth in a series all about zombies! My book: a book of poetry taking you through four of life's emotions.

So I thought, can I get a proper cross over out of this. Do I publish the long awaited poetry book - Zombie life: The Four Primary Emotions? And what would they be? Well hunger for one! Could I manage such delicate material as the insatiable desire for the human brain? "Hair in my Pudding" comes to mind as a good title. Actually taking that through to its logical conclusion that puts us bald people more at risk. Disturbing! Other titles: "Why do I feel like I'm always in second gear?", or, "My Sprinting Days Behind Me". "Arm Ache Blues" also leaps out as a promising title. But I settled with this, see what you think?

I'm Stuck with this Moaning Crowd

I've got in with a really bad crowd,

Indeed sometimes they can be just so damn loud,

But it's not like they party til dawn,

Instead they just drone on and on.

We all dance in the same stupid fashion,

Arms outstretched is our popular passion.

We all seek to be first at the head

But that's where it's at when you're dead.

If you're new and wonder how to begin,

We'll all surround you and help you fit in.

If you keep pace with us through the night,

It's farewell at the first sign of light!

Think I'll stick with the living, it's got fresher subjects!

Four Life Emotions is my book of non-horror poetry.

Vote Maybe!

So the big vote looms upon us in Scotland. We brace ourselves for the casting adrift from the UK or to gird our loins to continue with our fellow Brits. Yes or No! Senses have been inflamed with nationalistic fervour and clamour to maintain the long lasting union. Debate has raged, numbers have been crunched and all sorts of speculations ranging from oil fields to Europe, start-up costs to immigration quotas, passports to governance plans have been voiced. Are you just a little lost too?

Having grown up in Northern Ireland my viewpoint, I admit, is slightly skewed. Raised on the side of the fence that was keen to remain British, I found the fact that the same faith community in my local area was often happy to let such blessed ties go, a little unnerving. However I can understand the desire to be independent. Often I wished Northern Ireland could be on its own and not be fought over. But what are the real things that should drive us to our decision?

Economics? Well both sides seemed to be able to prove whatever depending on what statistics they choose to use. National pride? Both sides show this, be it proud to be a Scot or a Brit. Benefits? Both sides are keen to show how the individual will be better off. After all the discussions and debate I am left a little bemused and definitely uncertain.

I think I'd like to vote for a different party. The MAYBE party. Standing on the principle that ultimately whatever we choose its a punt in the dark. Heading to the unknown. Who knows what crisis will affect us in ten years time or twenty? Will the environmental crisis truly deepen? Will there be war on our doorstep? Will we face an unknown blight in the economic field or even health field?

So what am I saying? Merely this. Whatever the decision made, that will not be what defines Scotland in years to come. Rather how Scotland unites or not, how Scotland reacts to the decision as a nation, how Scotland, the stalwart of invention and engineering over the years, seeks to again make its mark as a small country in a large world, will determine it's legacy to the world. Will we be seen as something small, taking in from the world, or will Scotland be a pioneer again, blessing the world with our skills, arts, culture and faith. Whatever flag or colour we drape ourselves in, it's our actions that prove our mettle!